i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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