Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I need moral support for this bender
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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