I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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