I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
