i don't want you to think of me as your TA
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
