i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
