ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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