i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
