And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
