I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
