Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
