Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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