the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
