Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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