If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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