When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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