we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
