a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
