We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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