i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
