At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
