At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize