you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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