There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
