You're a womanizer and a bitch.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
