walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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