i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
