I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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