There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
