Your face is a jimmy john
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
