Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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