I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
