Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
