I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
