Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
