Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
