Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
