so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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