I would go down on you faster than GM stock
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
