True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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