just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
