Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
