ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize