Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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