hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
