Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
