I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
