I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
