Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
