I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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