PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
