dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
did i just pee glitter
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
