Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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