2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
