Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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