I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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