I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
