Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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