the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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