I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
