I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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