i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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