i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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