I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
