Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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