Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
